Riding the Wave.

Life has been a little crazy these past 6 months, and when crazy times happen I sometimes lose my words.

I've been working in the campaign world. It has been crazy, difficult, fun, miserable, exciting, and educational at the same time. I have learned so much, and made new friends, and come November 5th it will all seem like an insane dream. Maybe it is an insane dream...somebody pinch me.

I don't know whats coming next, but I've been here before. People keep asking me "What's next? Where do you see yourself 5 years from now? What do you want to do?" And my answer has always been "I don't know." Sometimes I feel defeated and silly not knowing. Why don't I have these things figured out? Sure, I have dreams and goals, but I don't know how those dreams and goals will manifest themselves in my life. I don't have an end goal in mind, I don't have the perfect path planned out in front of me, because those plans will inevitably fail.

Right now, I am going to be okay not knowing. Life has a funny way of figuring itself out (thanks, God) and I just want to go with the flow. My planning has never worked in the past, every job I have ever had has just happened. No application, no weeks of misery, things just fall in to place. Now, this might not last forever, but I'm going to ride this wave as far as it will take me.

So now that I've said some words it's time to disappear into campaign land again. See you on the flip side!

Goodbye. Hello.

Sometimes I feel like all I do is say goodbye. I've said goodbye to friends, family, school, jobs, pets...you name it. Saying goodbye is never easy, even when it's the right thing to do. It's even harder when you aren't ready to say goodbye. Change is something that I have always struggled with, something that hurts and confuses and causes a lot of heartache. Even good change means that you are leaving something, or someone, behind. And that's hard.

For too long I have been afraid to say goodbye to certain things in my life. I have been terrified of what a new 'hello' might bring. But if I am ever going to have this crazy beautiful life I dream of, I can't be afraid to say hello. I want to grab those awesome opportunities that appear suddenly. I want to be brave enough to say a hello to a stranger. I want to stand tall and be confident enough to introduce myself to people I admire.

I am done letting goodbyes hold me back. I am done being afraid of a new hello. The end of one thing always signifies the beginning of something else. It might not happen right away. It might not be what you thought it would be. But something new comes with every hello. It's time to take a chance, do something that scares me, and believe that whatever comes, I will survive. Life is a whole series of goodbyes, followed by brand new hellos. I can do this.

Eleanor.

Sometimes I wish that on the day of your birth you were handed a road map to the rest of your life. There were no decisions left to be made, no struggling to figure out who you were or what you wanted to be, everything was already done. Sometimes I think, how much easier would life be if I didn't have to decide a single thing?

Right now I am struggling. I hate to admit it, but I am lost. Somehow I lost my map, or maybe someone took it, or maybe I never had it. Either way I have found myself wandering around not knowing where I am going. I always envisioned a life that was easy; jobs would find me, friends would always be close, I would find my person and settle down and that would be it. And so far...those things just aren't happening. And all I can do is wonder why.

I am blessed. I can't complain because my life has not been terrible. Yes, there have been ups and downs, but who doesn't go through that? There have been times when I thought I was on top of the world, and there have been times where it felt like the world was on top of me. And there have been times, like now, when I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

There is a silver lining to this whole mess though. I may not know where I am going, or how I am going to get there, but I do know who I am. I know that I am capable. I am strong. I am smart. I am a fighter, a go-getter, and I know that it gets better. One day I will figure out what I want, and then I will probably have to figure it all out again later on. That day may not come tomorrow, or next week, but it will come. And while I wait I am going to take the advice of a woman that I admire very much, and I am going to remember that it always gets better. Sometimes it just takes time.

1 thing to do instead of getting married at 23.

I recently posted an article on my Facebook wall  that caused quite the commotion. The article provided a list of things to do before you get married. When I read it I thought to myself, this is a pretty cool list, minus the whole ‘hang out naked in front of a window’ part. Yeah, NO THANKS! As a single 22 year old with no immediate plans of getting married I really appreciated the message. But then people started weighing in, pointing out how extremely negative and bitter the article sounded. And so, with a little push from a friend I have decided to write my own take on marriage before you are 23.

In 2013 four of my close friends got engaged. The first one got engaged on June 1^st and the last one on December 6^th.  Four engagements in 6 months is a lot, and those were just my close friends! During the holiday season it seems like there is a new engagement announced on facebook every other day. Tis the season.  If this had happened at any other point in my life I could have easily become bitter, annoyed, jealous. But luckily God taught me a very important message recently; I am so not ready for marriage, yet. But, I am SO ready to celebrate this stage of life with my friends.

I cannot wait to go dress shopping, to critique the bad dresses and cry at the good ones. I cannot wait to talk flowers and cake and décor. I cannot wait to watch my friends become brides, to pose for those cute pictures and make ridiculous faces in the funny ones. I can’t wait to watch my friends walk down the aisle to the men that will become their husbands. But most of all, I cannot wait to travel this journey that is a wedding with some of my very best friends. It is an opportunity for me to show them how much I love them, to show them how much I support them and how important they are to me. Because I could be bitter, I could be jealous of the love that they have found. But why would I do that? How selfish would it be to try to take even an ounce of happiness away from this special time in their life?

So, here is my list of 1 thing to do instead of getting married at 23.

1. Whatever you want.

That’s it. Do whatever you want. Do whatever feels right and true to you. If you want to get married before you are 23, do it. If you really want to hang out naked in front of a window, do it. Just let me know so I can be anywhere else.  

Oh and also, who came up with the idea that you either have to be young and wild and free and travel the world OR get married and settle down? I say be both. Get married and travel the world with your spouse, have crazy fun adventures and make awesome memories. Or don't get married and settle down. It’s your life, live it however the hell you want to.

In closing…that sounds like the end of an essay. But I’m just going to roll with it. In closing, my friend Angela (who is young and already married) made an excellent point when she shared the same article. Angela, who somehow always speaks truth into my life, said:

"If you get engaged and you don't think you can still be your crazy self, then its time to find someone who accepts you just as you are and even joins you in some of the crazy things you want to do. Do not get married if you think you can't be yourself, including randomly taking a trip to the other side of the world. Have fun and most importantly find someone who loves you for you and will not want to prevent you from being happy. WORD.”

WORD.

Rebel & Melissa

We all struggle with something in our lives. For me it's my weight. For as long as I can remember I have been the 'big' girl, the girl who can't share clothes with her friends, the girl who hates shopping with her friends because she can't shop in the same sections, the girl who always goes to another room to change. For a long time I have avoided talking about my weight, my size, my struggles, and my insecurities. I want to talk about it now. But guess what? I am not here to talk about how much I hate myself, because that would be a lie. I am here to talk about how much I am in love with the person that I am. Shocked? Good.

Today things are slightly better for bigger girls, and guys, than they were even 10 years ago. Slowly (so slowly) society is coming to accept that people come in all shapes and sizes. Every great once in a while you can catch a glimpse of a 'plus sized' model in an ad, or a 'plus sized' actress on TV or in the movies. Look at Melissa McCarthy and Rebel Wilson. 10 years ago I doubt they would have been on TV or in the movies like they have been lately. Yes, they have been criticized for being 'fat', for having the audacity to show themselves on a big screen, for being funny. But you know what? I LOVE them. They make me laugh, they make me feel better about being me, and they inspire me to let my true self shine through. I'm not saying I want to be them but...wait hold on, no. I want to be them. Both of them, at the same time. But really, they are awesome, beautiful, hilarious, and smart. But more than anything, they are themselves. How wonderful is that?

I have spent years battling against myself, and I am just tired of it. I am tired of people making little remarks about my weight, or about what I choose to eat, or about what size my pants are. I am tired of people casually suggesting that I should lose weight. But I am also tired of not being able to go on long hikes without feeling like I am going to die. I am tired of that sense of shame I feel when eat a piece of cake. I am tired of being embarrassed in a bathing suit. I am tired of being tired. So yes, I need to work out more, I need to eat less cheese and drink less wine, but the thing is...these are all things that I have to decide to do for myself. No amount of shaming or guilt tripping or casually suggesting things is going to make me change my mind.

So, I have made up my mind. I need to get healthier, but I am not going to do it the way society expects me to. I am not going to obsessively weigh and measure myself. I am not going to compare my journey to anyone else's journey. I am not going to beat myself up if I eat too much cheese. It's going to happen, I love cheese. But, even with all of these things that I need to work on there is one thing that I can do every minute of every day. I can love me. I choose to love me. 

I will not promise anyone change. But I can promise myself this: I am loved, I am intelligent, I am funny, I am capable, I am beautiful. And guess what? Anyone who tells me differently can go away, because I just don't care.

These dreams go on when I close my eyes...

Now I have that song stuck in my head. Thanks Heart. (Just as a side note, if you have 3 minutes and 49 seconds to spare, which I am assuming you do since you took the time to read this, you should watch that Heart music video. It's all kinds of strange)

So dreams. I have crazy dreams, often. Not dreams for my life, but like the kind you have at night when you are asleep. Anyone who knows me and is willing to listen to me talk for more than 20 minutes knows that my dreams are downright odd.

Last night I had one that was weird but also incredibly inspirational. Jennifer Lawrence was in it, not as Katniss Everdeen, which would have been AWESOME, but just as herself. Equally awesome. We were shopping in the forest. Don't ask me what that means, because I really don't know. We weren't talking or anything, just forest shopping. Then, out of nowhere Jen reaches over and taps me on the shoulder, so naturally I turn and look at her. Everything gets really serious and she says, "Listen. Just do you, you know?"

Wow. Just do you. What a concept. What a hard lesson to learn. Often I feel like I have to change what I want or who I am in order to please other people. It's hard, it's exhausting, and I am tired of it. It has taken me years and one Jennifer Lawrence-forest shopping dream to finally grasp this concept of just doing you. I doubt I will always be able to follow her advice, but I sure am going to try. And now every time I go forest shopping I will think back fondly on that one time that Jennifer Lawrence and I hung out. It's going to be awesome.

Why being 22 is the worst (and best) time of your life.

It feels like one of those nights...where I need to drink a lot of wine, watch reruns of New Girl and The Mindy Project, and have a good old fashioned cry.

Everyone says that your 20's are the best time of your life, but I don't completely agree. Yes, there are some truly awesome times. But you know what? There are some truly terrible times too. I decided that instead of keeping all of these reasons to myself I should write them down somewhere. You know, in case anyone else feels like reading them.

1. People expect you to know what you want to do with your life.
2. If you are in a committed relationship people are surprised. You're so young after all.
3. If you are not in a committed relationship people are surprised. You are going to be an old maid.
4. If you enjoy the occasional drink with some friends people call you an alcoholic.
5. If you don't go out and drink with your friends people call you old.
6. We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. (Yes I stole that from my good friend T. Swift.)
7. If you still listen to T. Swift you will be mocked by music snobs. (I just don't care.)
8. Life is so full of possibilities, if only you know how to grab them.
9. I don't know how to grab them, or even what I want to grab.
10. All of your good friends might be getting engaged, and you are very happy for them. (Really) Or maybe you secretly aren't. Either way it's okay.
11. All of your good friends might be getting engaged and that might make you feel like you are way behind in this game called life, but then one day you will realize that everyone has their own timeline. Yours just   doesn't match up with all of your engaged friends. And it's okay.
12. One day you have to (finally) stand up for yourself, and your dreams, and your needs. Yes, people might be upset by the choices that you make, but in the end you are the only one that needs to be happy. And yes, I realize that this is so hard to do, I struggle with it daily. But it's the stone cold truth. Deal with it.


So I only have 12 reasons so far. But I feel like that's enough for the moment. I can add more later right? I still have quite a few years left of my 20's.