Rebel & Melissa

We all struggle with something in our lives. For me it's my weight. For as long as I can remember I have been the 'big' girl, the girl who can't share clothes with her friends, the girl who hates shopping with her friends because she can't shop in the same sections, the girl who always goes to another room to change. For a long time I have avoided talking about my weight, my size, my struggles, and my insecurities. I want to talk about it now. But guess what? I am not here to talk about how much I hate myself, because that would be a lie. I am here to talk about how much I am in love with the person that I am. Shocked? Good.

Today things are slightly better for bigger girls, and guys, than they were even 10 years ago. Slowly (so slowly) society is coming to accept that people come in all shapes and sizes. Every great once in a while you can catch a glimpse of a 'plus sized' model in an ad, or a 'plus sized' actress on TV or in the movies. Look at Melissa McCarthy and Rebel Wilson. 10 years ago I doubt they would have been on TV or in the movies like they have been lately. Yes, they have been criticized for being 'fat', for having the audacity to show themselves on a big screen, for being funny. But you know what? I LOVE them. They make me laugh, they make me feel better about being me, and they inspire me to let my true self shine through. I'm not saying I want to be them but...wait hold on, no. I want to be them. Both of them, at the same time. But really, they are awesome, beautiful, hilarious, and smart. But more than anything, they are themselves. How wonderful is that?

I have spent years battling against myself, and I am just tired of it. I am tired of people making little remarks about my weight, or about what I choose to eat, or about what size my pants are. I am tired of people casually suggesting that I should lose weight. But I am also tired of not being able to go on long hikes without feeling like I am going to die. I am tired of that sense of shame I feel when eat a piece of cake. I am tired of being embarrassed in a bathing suit. I am tired of being tired. So yes, I need to work out more, I need to eat less cheese and drink less wine, but the thing is...these are all things that I have to decide to do for myself. No amount of shaming or guilt tripping or casually suggesting things is going to make me change my mind.

So, I have made up my mind. I need to get healthier, but I am not going to do it the way society expects me to. I am not going to obsessively weigh and measure myself. I am not going to compare my journey to anyone else's journey. I am not going to beat myself up if I eat too much cheese. It's going to happen, I love cheese. But, even with all of these things that I need to work on there is one thing that I can do every minute of every day. I can love me. I choose to love me. 

I will not promise anyone change. But I can promise myself this: I am loved, I am intelligent, I am funny, I am capable, I am beautiful. And guess what? Anyone who tells me differently can go away, because I just don't care.

These dreams go on when I close my eyes...

Now I have that song stuck in my head. Thanks Heart. (Just as a side note, if you have 3 minutes and 49 seconds to spare, which I am assuming you do since you took the time to read this, you should watch that Heart music video. It's all kinds of strange)

So dreams. I have crazy dreams, often. Not dreams for my life, but like the kind you have at night when you are asleep. Anyone who knows me and is willing to listen to me talk for more than 20 minutes knows that my dreams are downright odd.

Last night I had one that was weird but also incredibly inspirational. Jennifer Lawrence was in it, not as Katniss Everdeen, which would have been AWESOME, but just as herself. Equally awesome. We were shopping in the forest. Don't ask me what that means, because I really don't know. We weren't talking or anything, just forest shopping. Then, out of nowhere Jen reaches over and taps me on the shoulder, so naturally I turn and look at her. Everything gets really serious and she says, "Listen. Just do you, you know?"

Wow. Just do you. What a concept. What a hard lesson to learn. Often I feel like I have to change what I want or who I am in order to please other people. It's hard, it's exhausting, and I am tired of it. It has taken me years and one Jennifer Lawrence-forest shopping dream to finally grasp this concept of just doing you. I doubt I will always be able to follow her advice, but I sure am going to try. And now every time I go forest shopping I will think back fondly on that one time that Jennifer Lawrence and I hung out. It's going to be awesome.

Why being 22 is the worst (and best) time of your life.

It feels like one of those nights...where I need to drink a lot of wine, watch reruns of New Girl and The Mindy Project, and have a good old fashioned cry.

Everyone says that your 20's are the best time of your life, but I don't completely agree. Yes, there are some truly awesome times. But you know what? There are some truly terrible times too. I decided that instead of keeping all of these reasons to myself I should write them down somewhere. You know, in case anyone else feels like reading them.

1. People expect you to know what you want to do with your life.
2. If you are in a committed relationship people are surprised. You're so young after all.
3. If you are not in a committed relationship people are surprised. You are going to be an old maid.
4. If you enjoy the occasional drink with some friends people call you an alcoholic.
5. If you don't go out and drink with your friends people call you old.
6. We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. (Yes I stole that from my good friend T. Swift.)
7. If you still listen to T. Swift you will be mocked by music snobs. (I just don't care.)
8. Life is so full of possibilities, if only you know how to grab them.
9. I don't know how to grab them, or even what I want to grab.
10. All of your good friends might be getting engaged, and you are very happy for them. (Really) Or maybe you secretly aren't. Either way it's okay.
11. All of your good friends might be getting engaged and that might make you feel like you are way behind in this game called life, but then one day you will realize that everyone has their own timeline. Yours just   doesn't match up with all of your engaged friends. And it's okay.
12. One day you have to (finally) stand up for yourself, and your dreams, and your needs. Yes, people might be upset by the choices that you make, but in the end you are the only one that needs to be happy. And yes, I realize that this is so hard to do, I struggle with it daily. But it's the stone cold truth. Deal with it.


So I only have 12 reasons so far. But I feel like that's enough for the moment. I can add more later right? I still have quite a few years left of my 20's.