Rebel & Melissa

We all struggle with something in our lives. For me it's my weight. For as long as I can remember I have been the 'big' girl, the girl who can't share clothes with her friends, the girl who hates shopping with her friends because she can't shop in the same sections, the girl who always goes to another room to change. For a long time I have avoided talking about my weight, my size, my struggles, and my insecurities. I want to talk about it now. But guess what? I am not here to talk about how much I hate myself, because that would be a lie. I am here to talk about how much I am in love with the person that I am. Shocked? Good.

Today things are slightly better for bigger girls, and guys, than they were even 10 years ago. Slowly (so slowly) society is coming to accept that people come in all shapes and sizes. Every great once in a while you can catch a glimpse of a 'plus sized' model in an ad, or a 'plus sized' actress on TV or in the movies. Look at Melissa McCarthy and Rebel Wilson. 10 years ago I doubt they would have been on TV or in the movies like they have been lately. Yes, they have been criticized for being 'fat', for having the audacity to show themselves on a big screen, for being funny. But you know what? I LOVE them. They make me laugh, they make me feel better about being me, and they inspire me to let my true self shine through. I'm not saying I want to be them but...wait hold on, no. I want to be them. Both of them, at the same time. But really, they are awesome, beautiful, hilarious, and smart. But more than anything, they are themselves. How wonderful is that?

I have spent years battling against myself, and I am just tired of it. I am tired of people making little remarks about my weight, or about what I choose to eat, or about what size my pants are. I am tired of people casually suggesting that I should lose weight. But I am also tired of not being able to go on long hikes without feeling like I am going to die. I am tired of that sense of shame I feel when eat a piece of cake. I am tired of being embarrassed in a bathing suit. I am tired of being tired. So yes, I need to work out more, I need to eat less cheese and drink less wine, but the thing is...these are all things that I have to decide to do for myself. No amount of shaming or guilt tripping or casually suggesting things is going to make me change my mind.

So, I have made up my mind. I need to get healthier, but I am not going to do it the way society expects me to. I am not going to obsessively weigh and measure myself. I am not going to compare my journey to anyone else's journey. I am not going to beat myself up if I eat too much cheese. It's going to happen, I love cheese. But, even with all of these things that I need to work on there is one thing that I can do every minute of every day. I can love me. I choose to love me. 

I will not promise anyone change. But I can promise myself this: I am loved, I am intelligent, I am funny, I am capable, I am beautiful. And guess what? Anyone who tells me differently can go away, because I just don't care.